Lilac Window

theres this zing, when I am paitning, and its going so well, and it happens so fast, and it feels so great to just get the paint on, and every stroke just…uh…

every stroke just feels so… uh…

AAAAHHH, no!!! I dodnt meant to put that there!

no!! erase, erase, earse, EERASSE!!!

OK, its OK, I can just get it wet, and rub it off…

there.

Now just paint a little more colour – ugh! no! ITS ALL GOING BLACK NOOOO!!!

take a look from a distance.

yup. Its smudged, it looks flat, black. Its ruined. I ruined it. I cant paint. What’s everyone going to think? WHy do I even bother trying to do something like this?

YUP. I have been there. I get there all the time. The cool thing is the recent times I have been there, I have been able to calm myself, from ripping the paper up and trying again. The urge is to just look away. Especially if its a painting that I was loving at first. Actually I always love them at first. Its rare that I don’t ever get to some “OH @$#@$” point in a painting. I’ve been finding ways to get creative with the mess. Take new risks, seeing as its pretty much looking awful anyways. Find ways to work the darks darker, even rub out an entire piece. Working through these panicky feelings can take a few days, but so therapeutic. Its so lovely to face oneself like this. daily. What’s that saying? “Do something everyday that scares you.” There’s nothing more scary than a blank piece of paper, and sound of the incessant internal voice. I dare you to face it.

Thats why I love watching Marcel paint. He’s absolutely fearless.

inspired by the prairie sky.

cleaned my kitchen floor with my baby.

read a little.

listened to music

sorted winter clothes

making chicken curry for dinner

looking forward to seeing my sister and brother-in-law tonight

getting ready to pick up M from school.

’s been quiet, and oh so sweet these couple hours…

I did a little designing this weekend. I forgot how to do it its been so long! Turns out – I needed a brush in my hand. I was drawing and sketching, but feeling so stunted until I put a huge piece of paper on the board and just got wet paint and swished my way to some ideas. Thats how-ya do it!!!

In other news, Marcel has decided upon his new favorite food: Risotto. Yup. Its quite funny the way he says it so casually, to his four year old friend. “Do you want to come to my house for Risotto? Risotto is my favorite. I like it with lots of cheese… Do you like Risotto?” Im sure that she doesn’t even know what it is. But she liked it. I made the cauliflower one from “Jamie’s Italy” for the second time. We use de-alcoholized wine, just to be sure, and   boy, it sure goes down well with the kids. Its actually not that hard to make, and you can make a lot of it, and have it for a couple of days. It has lots of veggies, and cheese for protein, and well, with a kid who wont eat much, its been great. (Oh, and if you are actually going to make it, I forgo the anchovy sprinkles, and parsley, for the kids, but for us it sure tastes great…)

This one says “The glassware was spotless.”

I got the idea for a wall – hanging hero from “The secret History of the Authority – Hawksmoor”. He sits on walls too. The clean glass ware refers to the text I posted on a previous painting.

Again. So much fun. Loving this green color.

We are off to print flyers for the Calgary Mom’s Trade Fair. We will be there in a couple weeks. I look forward to meeting people and promoting the School.

Here is another one for the Comic show. These are so fun. I started only doing three, but I think I will do more. Aside from the fact that I wish I was going to a life drawing class… I love the immediacy of these and the themes… This one says “I wish I had more time to knit”. Ha ha!! I kill me.

I find the thought of this so funny… why? I don’t know. Its probably some sadistic, strange and perverted side of me, that just cant get enough of a mom’s with knives, thinking of knitting. Actually now that I write it out, I understand…  so awesome. But I do need to get over myself here…

This is a little tribute to Kabuki. Who is so fun as well – if not slightly controversial as you can hear in the podcast we did on “Circle of Blood”. Yeah, I do actually read comics too.

Tonight is our second Art Class. EEEE again. So excited. I cant wait to get down to it, but I gotta get some house work done, get myself to the art store for more supplies, and generally get excited for it. I think this could be the most exciting job I could ever have. And I get to do it every week… eeee! Im beside myself.

OK, now, you go, have a good day. We will be driving to preschool (The kid loves it… he actually asked me to leave on the first day, and didn’t want to come home! And I thought I was attachment parenting!) And vacuuming. Maybe I’ll clean the kitchen floor. Oooooh, the joy. Now where are my Scythes, and knitting needles????

This little painting was so fun to do. I am so pleased with it (can I say that about my own work?- Um, I just did…) Every time I do comic stuff I wish I was going to a life drawing class. I LOVE life drawing. Maybe in the next few months I can make it work. It just so far hasn’t been possible, as life drawing, nude models, tippy-easles, and paint ,don’t really mix with walking, crawling bundles of energy like Emery. But I can feel it coming soon.

This little painting along with two more will be going into the comic show at Happy Harbour. (a comic book shop in Edmonton). I am looking farward to seeing the other work there, and reconnecting with the comic book scene.

This painting says (in case you cant read it) “Mom’s out late again”. It is meant to go with this text: (but sometimes too much text is just more than we need… Im thinking of presenting this one without any more text than the title…)

“There is a buzz. The edge of a free way, an overpass, where cars are pedestrians. Bugs on the windshield, feathers in the grille. I stand, miniature below a rotating advertisement, scale meant for Gods. And it turns. Periodic chugging of the mechanics. An immense beam of human ideals. A beacon, a light house, an ever changing mirage. This is how I am meant to transform. To fold out my arms and legs, to become a massive beast, of strength and metal.

But I feel like a paper doll, on a windy cold night, wearing a dress. I have goose bumps. The creaking billboard is speaking a mechanical language I do not understand. Like a massive whale groaning in the deeps of the dark ocean. I try to understand. Perhaps this monster of machine is in pain, and this is how it speaks. Maybe I am its last hope.

Hope? Like a seed planted in moist soil. An idea becomes concrete. A vision. Mid century, when a man sees my future. He has a vision and this vision blossoms. From above, a spray of steel, cloverleaf shaped asphalt, gears and rubber, oil fed tar erupts. It bursts forth from this man’s head like a creeping weed that seeds as it goes. Creates roots along the way. Nation after nation is engaged, in an expanding structure. An interchange of immense proportions.

How hope grows.

I see the scene in front of me. The lights of a city on a distant hill. The Deerfoot freeway below my feet. The vibration of the bridge as it shakes beneath the buzzing monsters rolling by. In the sky, the lights of airplanes. I am not meant to walk here. This is not my territory. There is garbage strewn, but no one ever sees it Like it, I am caught. A bug between universes. This is no man’s land. Most definitely a no- woman’s land. Or… God forbid, you would ever be caught here if you were a child, an animal, a bunny, a blade of grass or anything, soft, delicate … alive.

Welcome to a world. A world created.

I take in the scene …I hum the melody…”meet George Jetson”. I decide, it’s been long enough, and walk, in heels, back to my car. My night out, and I’m late.

But when there never is enough time, I feel like the world will have to wait.”

I painted this portrait in the last couple days. Its a self and husband portrait, which should be easy to do. I know you are all thinking I am making it easy on myself by painting my family, but I gotta start somewhere! Well, this one was hard to get myself to look like me. Normally that part is easy. But I am happy with the skin tones and the overall light and mood of the thing, so thats good. Its more worked than the previous ones, but it never got muddy, and so Im thinking I’m improving.

Also, today is Marcel’s first day of preschool. I couldnt be more excited – except, maybe if I was HIM! He’s over the moon. Its so much nicer than having to worry about taking him to day home – which is all day. This way I can rejoice in this stage of growing up, instead of crying all the way to work on the bus!

I cant believe that the summer is nearing an end! eeek!

Now here is Em’s. I liked painting this a lot. I was thinking about how I have been avoiding this watercolory-washy look, because for me its easy. Its what happens when I paint with watercolor. Its fast, bright and immediate. And its kind of a one-trick pony after a while. So I have been avoiding it, and trying other things, and getting different affects. But sometimes, when the paint just isn’t doing what I want, its so nice to come back to something familiar.

In other news my art school had its first class last night!!! EEEE! Can you sense my excitement? I am so thrilled to have started this, and it was just so fun to be painting with others. We stretched canvases and did some washes on raw canvas, a little paint mixing, a little meditation. Oh, I tell you, fun times. I have changed the program to allow people to join at any time, and to be able to miss classes. I think we all need that sort of flexibility. That way it can be a constant rotation of people and art. If you can make it I’d love to see you! email me at angie@lilacwindow.com

have a good weekend!

so here is my first attempt at a portrait. I am doing these from photos, which is a little different for me. Actally its something I did a lot of in the past, and I sort of got bored of. I mean, if you develop your “copying” skills to a certain level, you get to the point you can draw anything as a copy from a 2D source. It doesnt matter what is on the picture, you just copy the shapes, the darks and lights. People think – “OH, I cant draw cats”… or some random thing, but its not the case if you have a picture and you can copy it.

What I think is interesting is undertanding things, their 3D shape, and then, how they exist in the world. Their mood, energy and their weight. Then you cant just copy a photo, you have to BE with the thing, or feel what it is like to be the thing. Thats when it all becomes fun. Then you can paint stuff that you cant photograph.

Anyways, in training, I am using photos, and its pretty fun.

I just completed the second attempt to paint a portrait of my sister and brother at their annual Jane Austin holiday in Bath. I am so disappointed with both. Its so strange. I am happy with most of the painting except the faces. And in both of them its like I did the same thing, even though I was trying not to. Its like I am doomed to over work the faces. It is a real sign I need to practice more before I make another attempt. I am going to go to the library today and see if I can find a book on watercolor portraits, and get to it.

more stuff to learn.

Wow. I wish I had something creative and inspiring to write everyday!! Im trying!

My art classes start this week. I am so looking forward to them. You can still register. I am spending time getting ready, getting supplies and such. I am dropping paintings at the library show. And well, its going to be a lot of time in the car. I am doing my best to re-use and not buy new for the school. I have a back log of supplies, but some things are necessary. I really just want to get into that studio and paint… perhaps this afternoon…

And here, my sweets. Another painting. This one is a watercolour. Its big. It was so fun to paint, and has inspired me so much. (Even though I was so sad when I thought the final glaze wrecked it – another lesson learned). Anyways, this is painted for the library art fundraiser. And is my thoughts on literature, reading and libraries. It is called “Pioneer Library”. When I asked the man who built this shack with his own two hands, if the winters get long and difficult his answer surprised me. He said “not at all. Actually I find I enjoy the winters, because it is the only time I can actually sit down and enjoy a good book.” This space, the window seat, the light coming in, all just make me want to curl up with some great Northern classic – Mowat, Burton, London, or Robert George, and read the winter away.

I love how this speaks to the importance of living with the seasons for our mental and emotional health. When we live an air-conditioned, forced-air existence, we loose touch with the benefits of change. I remember living in the yukon how it seemed tha people lived years like we live days. You sleep in winter, and work and play in the summer. The blah of parking-lot-winter never gives us that dark, quiet months of peace to read, that we cherish because the rest of the year harvesting, working, building, has left us spent. How I love that.

AND! I am so tickle excited and touched that my dear friend Gisele has written such a beautiful and encouraging post about my art school on her blog. What a gift to have friends that believe in you. Thanks Gisele!

Here is another painting I just finished. It is going in a little art show at a comic shop in Edmonton – called “Happy Harbour”. Its depiction of the superhero mom, at a early point in her superhero career. She is dealing with her ability to actually get stuff done. The text from it is below. I am trying to decide if I should include the text or not….

The months, years of trying so desperately to somehow “get on top of things” rush over me. The ceaseless effort, days of working to the bone, sleepness nights going over errands, keeping every thing in a constant state of managed disaster. I finally feel the exhaustion of all that effort. I feel like the past years have been spent with a n enormous ball of all my families stuff, and its tied with strings and ropes together, rolling down a hill, and I am running, directing, using every effort to keep the thing from coming apart at the seams.

And after years of running finally, we have landed in a meadow, the ropes have come undone and like a miracle, each item has fallen into its beautiful place. And I am a witness to its simplicity.

I sit away from it, afraid I will mess it up again, even though the furniture is brilliant in the sunshine, and the flowers in vases on glass coffee tables tell me “its OK”

Time. It goes so slow.

One second, one minute

One minute one day, A day, a week

The milliseconds tick by.

Im still sitting here

I can disappear between seconds

The dusted glassware, folded scented laundry, the perfectly manicured meal in the oven.

Still and quiet these things shards in my conscience, each one exists in this quiet, and each one is still, like me. I day dream of each crystal glass and bowl smashing on the floor in front of me. Shattered, like the hours that used to feel so solid.

I want…so badly….to be perfect.

I’ve never felt more singular than at this moment.

in one second the dinner is ready and the kitchen has been painted orange

We went to edmonton this weekend and enjoyed ourselves. I loved the downtown farmer’s market on Saturday. It made me wish we had something like it here in Calgary. I had a little money to spend, and was trying to figure out what to buy. It made me think. My practical self says I should spend it on food, or then, maybe clothes or something that will keep me alive, or warm in winter. But, as I was thinking this, a new little thought occurred to me. How art may be “useless”, but it takes a higher consciousness to appreciate it, and it inspires our souls, not just satisfies our appetites. Sure, I know, that most art can and does do both, and that food, and useful things can be art in themselves. But I also appreciate that it takes a really aware and higher level of thinking to prioritize beauty and inspiration, when resources are few. And so, I purchased this gorgeous mug. Crafted in Alberta in a wood stove, at a studio 1 hour west of Edmonton. It is my anti-depression medicine for next february, and its my inspiration that Beauty can be found everywhere.

peace.

I have decided from this point on, to ignore the cheese-o-meter. I mean, so far, it hasn’t served me very well any ways. If I want butterflies, pretty birds and flowers – I shall have them, and no more criticism…

Good. That said, this painting is really fun. I thought it was totally destroyed, many,many times, and then in the end I am rather fond of it. I added text, which in the end, looks fine, but I am not sure if its something I would do again. But it does add contrast and so it serves well. Also, cant hurt having a little sacred text to keep me in line. It looks great on a blue wall.

I am working on four more paintings now. Really! Four paintings. I am loving all this art in my days. On quiet mornings when I dont know how I am going to make it through, I just remind myself of the painting on my easel. Then I get excited…